My 35 Project- Update

img_2781-1Last year on my birthday, I started a project- 35 things to do before I turned 35. It was a mixed bag. I did have to make some alterations to the list after a big life change, but for the most part it remained the same throughout the year.

Things that went well:

The only category that I accomplished every single item was house/minimalism. I guess I should have seen that coming. I love to see clean, simple spaces. I also obsessively organize and discard things when I am stressed or anxious. Sometimes I see this as a bad thing, as I know it’s one of my biggest coping mechanisms. However, the fact is that I love the results. Until I started blogging, I didn’t really realize that minimalism was such a trend. This is probably the first time in my entire life that I have been trendy.

I loved having it be a priority to see people that I love and send mail. Sure, I wasn’t 100% successful on these, but it felt good to flat out tell myself that I “had” to do these things. Investing in relationships is the best thing that I can do for myself. My loved ones make life worth living. Sometimes it feels indulgent to be spending time being happy instead of doing chores. Could this philosophy be more dumb? Now that I have realized I feel that way, I can remind myself what I really want my life to be about. I also got to take a trip to Vermont to see a friend and meet her new baby, and spent time with my puppy taking her to classes.

Paying off my student loans was an incredible feeling. I literally cannot remember the time when I didn’t have this debt hanging over my head. It’s been so long. I feel like the world is at my fingertips. I’ve been putting so much money toward debt for so long, and this feels great! My goal for the next year is to save this money and build a “grown-up” emergency fund. The one I’ve had while paying off debt has never been very much. It has been able to cover my true emergencies, which I am very proud of, but I would like it to be enough to give me peace of mind.

I went to yoga less than half as much as I had intended. However, I’m still counting this as a win because I did find a yoga studio that I love. I also got a great deal on a membership ($29 a month, unlimited- normally $99). If I go once a week, my membership is still cheaper than paying per visit; and now I have no excuse not to go more. I can’t do yoga at home. I love the idea, but I will end up with two dogs on my head and then giving up and taking a nap.

Things that I learned:

I learned that I actually visit my grandparents more than I realized. There is a lot of guilt in my family about visiting grandparents, but meeting my goal of once a month was not hard at all. Most months it was more often. Tracking this made me feel like I’m not such a bad person, after all.

My blog energy definitely ebbs and flows more than I thought. My initial posting schedule (at least once a day) was just insane and definitely did not pan out. I didn’t want to post just to post, of course. Next year my goal will be once a week. If I do more, that’s great, but I don’t want to pressure myself.

I went to therapy for several months. Therapy is something that is brutally hard for me, because I am not good at opening up on a deep level. I do see the irony of this, given my blog and all. This helped me make some very tough decisions, and I am grateful that I pushed myself to be introspective. It hurts, but sometimes life does. Ya know?

Things that didn’t go so well:

Weight loss was a total fail, no way around it. I actually weigh more than when I started. I wish I could change my thinking to remember that this truly is a health and quality of life issue.

My exercise goals completely tanked. I managed to work out four times a week… well. It’s just embarrassing. You can check for yourself if you want. I lowered my goal to twice a week for next year. I feel like that’s so low it’s not worth doing, but I know that is a defeatist attitude and one that I don’t want to have. If I feel I can’t reach the entire goal, I tend to do nothing. I want to learn that doing something in a less extreme manner is still okay and worth doing.

I am going to be doing a list of 36 things to do before I turn 36. This list will be more oriented toward things that I enjoyed this year, and experiences that I want to have. Is anyone else doing a list?

Jillian

Questions to Ask When Looking For a Therapist 

I’m not sure if anyone has really noticed, but I’ve been pretty absent for a while now. I’ve been going through a rough patch, and honestly haven’t had the motivation to put myself out there much. However, I am strong and I have a lot of great support.

I have been working with a therapist, which I think I mentioned before. I was so nervous and intimidated about how to go about finding the right one. I started by checking out who was covered by my insurance, because that just made sense. I knew I wanted to see a woman, so that helped narrow it further. Then I looked at who was conveniently located, and who had availability after work. The last thing I needed was to take time off work once a week!

I also asked my awesome friend, who is a therapist herself, for some advice on how to choose. She gave me these GREAT questions to ask both the therapists I talked to and myself. My favorite part is that she also gave possible “right” answers to the questions. I wanted to share, just in case anyone else is considering therapy, and she gave me her permission.

For me, the first step of looking and calling was the very hardest. I’m not great at talking and honestly still dread going most weeks, but I always feel better after my sessions.

??????? For the therapist 

What theories/frameworks do you use? Why those theories and not others? (You’re looking for why they think it’s effective, not what they personally like.)

While researching about this, I found that there are so many new techniques and ideas. How do you stay abreast of all this knowledge (looking for “attending training, conferences, reading”)

What role do you think medication plays in mental health? (You’re looking for an answer like “it depends”. Some psychiatrists think “non-compliance” to medication regimens is tantamount to revolt)

I know everyone is different, but what is the time-range for this therapy to show effectiveness?

Have you treated anyone with issues similar to mine? What was the outcome? What ingredients were the cause of that success/failure? How will we measure progress?

What’s expected from me? (For instance, are there homework assignments?)

When do you start thinking about termination (ending the relationship), and what will that look like? (e.g. will it be a shared decision, is there a set number of visits and then review, etc)

??????? For you 

Did you feel heard by the therapist?

Did you feel like the therapist respected you?

Was the therapist condescending?

Did the therapist seem like a real person, or were they playing a role?

Was the therapist passive or active in the session? What do you like better?

Does it seem like the therapist will be open to hearing about all your feelings, including frustrated feelings relating to them?

Did the therapist have a positive outlook on life?

Did you feel better or worse after the session?

Did you feel comfortable with the therapist?

Does this seem like a safe place to express your thoughts, concerns, and feelings?

I didn’t ask all of these questions, but even thinking about them helped me realize more about what I was looking for. Good luck in your journey!

Jillian