Childfree or Childless?

jillian and baby aI do understand this is a simple manner of semantics to some people, but language is a big deal. Maybe this is why I’m a blogger, but words really do speak to me. That’s how you get into my heart and soul- really talk to me, know what you’re doing with your words.

I have mentioned before that I am making a big effort to be more positive. My aunt is a firm believer in the power of words and thoughts, and I’ve kind of pushed that aside for too long. I now believe that it’s true. If I think positive thoughts, it only puts me in a better frame of mind and helps me make more positive decisions. If I think negative thoughts, I am dwelling on things that are upsetting me and bringing myself down.

Part of my 35 Project is deciding whether or not I want to try to have a baby. I know that just making the decision to try won’t make it happen, but that doesn’t make the decision any easier. It’s not something that either of us went into marriage wanting, but now time is ticking and I just want a baby!! The baby I’m holding above is my sweet baby A- one of the loves of my life (I pretend he’s my nephew, but we’re not actually related) 🙂 He made a huge difference to me in wanting a baby. Watching him grow has been incredible. Everything is an amazing discovery for him, and the honesty and brilliance of his innocent is beautiful.

I want the experience of watching my child grow, learn, and become an adult. That part of me feels “childless”, as if there is something missing. However, I do worry about a multitude of things. Will I be the right kind of parent? Is everything that I am, enough? Can I stand not sleeping for, oh, I don’t know, the REST OF MY LIFE? Will our marriage be strong enough to deal with a baby? Will I be able to keep working? If I can’t keep working, will we go broke?

When I think of all of the worries, I feel like maybe I am actually “childfree”. Perhaps I am meant to enjoy my time with nieces and nephews, my husband, friends, our dogs. Maybe I should put money into helping others that are already here, instead of the hundreds of thousands that I would put into one more child on this planet.

Does anyone have any feedback for me? PLEASE help me, anything helps! If anyone wants to tell me something anonymously, please email me at howtobejillian at gmail dot com. I can either post it for you anonymously, or just keep it to myself. I would love honest opinions on if you have children and would do it again, if you wouldn’t do it again, if you regret not having children, if you love your childfree life…

Jillian