I’ve been feeling very introspective this week. I am prone to anxiety and over thinking things, so I try to focus my attention on the now, rather than the past or the future. However, sometimes living an intentional life means self examination.
Last week I mentioned that my favorite part of My 35 Project has been pushing myself to really connect with my loved ones. That’s still true. It has changed my perspective, and reminded me that it’s not selfish to take time out to nurture my friendships and relationships with my family. It’s actually what life is about, the core of it all. It’s easy to feel over scheduled and like spending time doing something for yourself is low priority, but it isn’t.
I was looking through the pictures on my laptop, and found this photo from my 30th birthday. Four years later, I am still very close to all of these girls, and I am so thankful for that. There are a couple of my girls that were missing that night, but they are the core of my support system 🙂 When thinking about what I want to be, what I want my life to mean, et cetera; being a good friend to those I love is near the top of the list.
However, the realization that I have come to through all of this retrospection is that I also need to be my own friend. I need to prioritize myself, and love myself the way I would a friend. This is next to impossible for me, because I judge myself nine ways to Sunday. It’s been said over and over, but it’s so easy to be your own harshest critic. WHY? Don’t we have the rest of the world to judge us? Who is going to love us most, if not ourselves? This week I am vowing to be my own friend and show myself some love and understanding. The most simple concepts can be the absolute hardest, and I think that’s why I struggle with this. I can and will do better.
Jillian
I am in my thirties, which is hard to believe. Time goes by fast. Since that is the case, I have decided to write about it. If I can't slow it down, I can at least share with others and get help along the way! 
How To Be Myself 
I used to judge myself a lot. I lived my life like I was on camera the whole time, held myself to impossible standards, and said really horrible things to myself when I failed to meet said standards.
I realised why, maybe 18 months ago; I was trying to live someone else’s life. I had bought into a template that was given to me by a very different person. It not what I wanted for myself, and it never fit properly, like a pair of trousers made for a much smaller woman.
Once I understood that, stripped out all of the things in my life that made me unhappy, and started being truly honest about how I really felt, I stopped judging myself. I’ve given myself permission to get things wrong and screw up occasionally, because I know it doesn’t make me a bad person. I understand that not everyone will approve, but the only things that I am responsible for are my own reactions, and not those of other people.
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That is beautiful. I’m so glad that you were able to do that, and also inspired. That’s exactly what I want in my life.
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Love you friend! You are amazing! Also that was a super fun night!! =) Good times and good memories.
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Yes, very fun!!!
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hmm? it seems ? at…times I come & brows on your Blog,,, your blog I have found to be some-what? a little different to some other blogs that I enjoy & Learn of beauty products / fashions of girly things….after all im a guy lol trying to learn (more) of girly things & where else would some 1 go….to learn of this but….to woman that live the life as woman & share their love of makeup / fashion so the few times of me coming here to your blog u bring up more then what the other girls bring up….& its a nice change I too,,, am thinking of expanding my blog…..but because of my-type of a blog….& well,,? its really a different type of blog lol & I guess it doesn’t help either that in doing what I do (cross dressing) its something that not,,, every 1 knows that I do….do it.. so…I am what’s called being in the closet. in my male-mode 1 would NEVER guess for me wanting to C-dress lol So where am I going with all this? lol IDK-? LOL maybe ? because the things u write about that’s going on in your life…..I feel for you Jillian,,, u seem like you are such a nice young lady…. & as I have also emailed with just a few girls but not through the (wordpress) it was & is nice that I was able to share,,,, different life experiences & that it brought a closer kind of a friendship…so to speak,,, So ??? to kind of change the subject a little in a few post in the past & now in this NEW-1 u have mentioned about finding a therapists which by the way…..I do find…that it does help….& I also would like to say: now this….applied to me also::: when I myself was in sessions I noticed that it only helped to a,,,, certain point it felt as tho,,, something was still missing???? & later on in life I found out what & why…that,,, something…of what was missing* the way that I can best describe what I learned a long the way,,,is: therapy works like this: hmmm? in a nut-shell,, it makes u think? & the therapist with all there schooling of what they learned talks about why & how come ? u made choices & if ? it was the choice that (you) made that now makes u feel good,,,? & so it gets deep with-in yourself….now for some people this method works because now its maybe-? making u think in a more different way…perhaps even things that for some reason in life u blocked out or…just forgot about & so now what’s going on & I can use the same analogy as say: How a farmer works on his field: what does he do before planting his seeds to say….grow corn-? in the old days b4 they had all the machines they have now..lol they would do a lot of it by hand / rakes / oxen so there’s More to the growth then just throwing down the seeds u have to till the land by the rake sort of what a therapist does to get-in…deep with-in but it takes work & time &…..the *Right process for it all- to work-out….now in the old days the farmers even believed in GOD….so a farmer might even pray 4 the right amount of rain/water sunlight / u name-it !!!! so…in all my rambling on, & on lol to close-out….lol perhaps because at another post u wrote & myself along with another reader talked to u about GOD maybe ? now again on this post I am suppose to tell u to still pray ?? for me….when I did speak to a therapist…like I said it ONLY worked to a certain point,,, I felt as tho my insides were RAKED,,,, so to speak….. but……it just seemed to also leave me to want the water & the sun light that I NEEDED to ( HEAL*)- GROW !!!!!!! & that’s when I found-out that GOD….does HIS part in HIS healing for Me….so as u might have guessed by the message that after learning this…I changed the type of therapy I changed it to a christen based 1 so…that I was able to Grow with the right process just something ??? that u maybe might want to think about or…try ? u never know right?? hey…..I kind of pic-up something about u…? u just seem 2b a nice sweet person stay well 🙂 *PEACE !!!!!!
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Kelly, thank you so much 🙂 It means a lot to me that you like the diversity of my blog, even though to me I worry that my blog is way too random.
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Sorry, hit send before I wanted to. If you have any questions about girly stuff, I can definitely help 🙂 I have done a lot of therapy before, including Christian therapy. I didn’t have a good experience with the Christian therapy, but it may have been just been that specific person. My goal is just to find someone that I truly connect with, as that is the most important thing to me. It may not seem like it, since I try to be open on my blog, but it’s really hard for me to open up to just anyone in therapy. My first session is tomorrow night, so we shall see how it goes.
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I love how browsing at photos makes you reflect. I love how you call your group of girlfriends your core- I call mine my committee ha! ha! Though they are a wonderful bunch and an amazing sounding board, I have learned at the end of the day it’s me and God who have to decide how I will live my life. I agree with your reader, it seems like you are going through something-what is none of my business. Instead, I give you a list of questions to ask your therapist- hey, your time and money are valuable ….
1. What theories/frameworks do you use? Why those theories and not others?
(You’re looking for why they think it’s effective, not what they personally like)
2. What role do you think medication plays in mental health?
(You’re looking for an answer like “it depends”. Some psychiatrists think “non-compliance” to medication regimens is tantamount to revolt)
3. Have you treated anyone with issues similar to mine? What was the outcome? What ingredients were the cause of that success/failure?
4. How will we measure progress?
5.What’s expected from me? (For instance, are there homework assignments?)
6. When do you start thinking about termination (ending the relationship), and what will that look like? (e.g. will it be a shared decision, is there a set number of visits and then review, etc).
you should be asking yourself these
• Did you feel heard by the therapist?
• Did you feel like the therapist respected you?
• Did the therapist seem like a real person or were they playing a role?
• Did you feel better or worse after the session?
• Does this seem like a safe place to express your thoughts, concerns, and feelings?
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Thank you so much for these questions- would it be okay if I use them for a blog post someday? I think a lot of people could benefit from these!
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but of course Jillian 🙂
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Thank you!! 🙂
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That is a very good way to think of it. To be your own friend. If my friend makes a mistake, or whatever, I can totally understand, relate to them or forgive them if there is a need. I should be able to do that to myself, right?
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EXACTLY. We are so understanding with our friends. We also always think they look beautiful, and do we think that about ourselves… if so, not as often as we should 😦
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I think being nicer to yourself is a great goal! Last year my life goal was to stop comparing myself to others… Comparison is the thief of joy, and it wasn’t easy, not at all, but there were some amazing side effects, including joy in myself that came from being nicer to me and giving myself a break! I hope you continue to work at it day after day!
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That’s a really great goal! I will consider working on that next.
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I hate to post a link to my blog in your comments – but just in case you were interested! https://didthatjusthappenblog.wordpress.com/2014/12/12/ive-left-the-busy-life-behind/
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It’s all good! Post away! 🙂
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I love this post!!
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