Childfree or Childless?

jillian and baby aI do understand this is a simple manner of semantics to some people, but language is a big deal. Maybe this is why I’m a blogger, but words really do speak to me. That’s how you get into my heart and soul- really talk to me, know what you’re doing with your words.

I have mentioned before that I am making a big effort to be more positive. My aunt is a firm believer in the power of words and thoughts, and I’ve kind of pushed that aside for too long. I now believe that it’s true. If I think positive thoughts, it only puts me in a better frame of mind and helps me make more positive decisions. If I think negative thoughts, I am dwelling on things that are upsetting me and bringing myself down.

Part of my 35 Project is deciding whether or not I want to try to have a baby. I know that just making the decision to try won’t make it happen, but that doesn’t make the decision any easier. It’s not something that either of us went into marriage wanting, but now time is ticking and I just want a baby!! The baby I’m holding above is my sweet baby A- one of the loves of my life (I pretend he’s my nephew, but we’re not actually related) πŸ™‚ He made a huge difference to me in wanting a baby. Watching him grow has been incredible. Everything is an amazing discovery for him, and the honesty and brilliance of his innocent is beautiful.

I want the experience of watching my child grow, learn, and become an adult. That part of me feels “childless”, as if there is something missing. However, I do worry about a multitude of things. Will I be the right kind of parent? Is everything that I am, enough? Can I stand not sleeping for, oh, I don’t know, the REST OF MY LIFE? Will our marriage be strong enough to deal with a baby? Will I be able to keep working? If I can’t keep working, will we go broke?

When I think of all of the worries, I feel like maybe I am actually “childfree”. Perhaps I am meant to enjoy my time with nieces and nephews, my husband, friends, our dogs. Maybe I should put money into helping others that are already here, instead of the hundreds of thousands that I would put into one more child on this planet.

Does anyone have any feedback for me? PLEASE help me, anything helps! If anyone wants to tell me something anonymously, please email me at howtobejillian at gmail dot com. I can either post it for you anonymously, or just keep it to myself. I would love honest opinions on if you have children and would do it again, if you wouldn’t do it again, if you regret not having children, if you love your childfree life…

Jillian

Comments

  1. I want to say that all of your ideas and alternatives to child rearing are valid. I think that if you really wanted to have a child, you would have found a way to make it happen already, either by accident or design. I feel that our wombs want to incubate children that’s what they’re designed for. However, we have another layer of choice and that is whether we want to start the process or not. I don’t have children or a husband, but I’ve always said that i would rather not adopt. I would not mind a few stepchildren, though, and I won’t say no to carrying one or two at some point, but I will not pressure myself.

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  2. I choose to consider myself childfree for the unforseen future. When I’ve thought about having children part of my heart flutters with that anticipatory mom hope. Another part of my heart tightens into a quick and sudden panic attack. Do I want to raise a kid in this world, with all its trouble and fear?
    I’ve taken the stance of if it happens it’s meant to be. But if it doesn’t happen I choose to enjoy my childfree life and spoil all the kiddos around me.
    I’ll admit though that mothers day does break my heart a little but J has done his best to lessen that pain by gifts from the four-legged babies!
    Hope this helps a little! Love you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Seeing your reply makes me think- it’s really weird we’ve never talked about this before!! I have the exact two feelings that you are describing, so I totally understand. It’s the “if it’s meant to be” part that I’m struggling with. For the most part I believe that, but since I have a copper IUD, I’m obviously actively trying to make it NOT happen… You know?

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      • I know. I am on standard birth control so we aren’t actually trying but it does have a fail rate. I figure if it fails it fails and we will make you an auntie for real. If it doesn’t feel free to claim my fur – babies as your nephews πŸ˜‰

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      • It definitely has a higher failure rate than the iud, that’s for sure! I do love your fur babies πŸ™‚

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  3. I never planned to have kids – I liked them just fine, and had fun babysitting and working in the church nursery, but growing up, it was never in my life plan. Then, well, things happen and I was pregnant and not married – talk about life decisions!
    I had the most beautiful baby boy and have never been married – I’ve raised him and he is quite awesome! And I would do it all over again! I would go through the pain and heart break and sleepless nights because the trade off is a love that your heart can’t imagine and hugs and kisses and snuggles!
    And, if anyone tells you they were ready to be a parent, they were lying! We all have moments of panic when they put that little bundle of joy in our hands!

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    • I so agree with you especially on the last paragraph!!!

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    • Aww, I love that story! I’m sure your son is amazing! I completely believe you that no one is ready to be a parent- that’s the part of me that thinks I’m overthinking this. I can’t possibly expect to ever feel completely ready! However, I guess I’m just too type A to not think about it obsessively. Part of me is jealous that of other people because it hasn’t “just happened”, but I also think that maybe that’s the case for a reason…

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  4. Having a child is something that nothing and nobody can prepare you truly for. It is something only you can experience in your own unique way. There will always be moments where you wonder if you are doing the right thing, moments when you are worried and moments when you wish there would be a manual. But being a parent is such an amazing thing and you just do and learn on the go. What you feel for the baby in the picture is not even scratching the surface of what you will feel for your own. For me being a mom is the most amazing thing ever and the best decision I’ve ever made.

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    • But… I like to be prepared for everything, lol! I know that’s it’s something I can never truly understand until I do it, and I think that’s a big part of why it’s so hard hard for me. I want to understand, and I want to feel that love that you are describing. The no take backs part though- that is so scary!

      When people say things like what you just said, I just want to do it! πŸ™‚

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      • Life does not stop just because you have a child. It will be different. But it does not mean that you can’t go out there and have fun anymore. We travel, we go out, we have fun. The four of us… πŸ™‚

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      • I’m actually more concerned about not sleeping. I love sleeping sooooo much. But it is good to know that you are getting out and enjoying life with your kids πŸ™‚

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      • Oh you get used to it and depending on your child and the way you organise yourself it might not be as bad as it sounds.

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      • You can’t tell me that. Then I get all “oh, it will be fine, I will be able to sleep when the baby sleeps and my house will be clean and I’ll make organic baby food and use cloth diapers…”

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  5. I can relate 100% to all of what you’re saying here! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself about having kids, though. There’s plenty of external pressures already (family, society, etc.).

    Wish I could write more, but have to get ready for work. Hope you have a great day!

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    • Thank you for your support πŸ™‚ I like not being alone in this. That’s a great point about all of the other pressure out there. OMG I think I’m letting them get to me!! I didn’t realize until your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. How does your husband feel about having kids? You said when you got married, neither of you wanted kids. Has his mind changed over the years too?

    I never wanted kids and I don’t regret not having them. I think some people have kids without even considering whether they really want them; it’s just what they see other people doing so they follow suit and do what’s expected. I think that’s the saddest situation of all.

    Even though you’ve said you’re overthinking it, I believe that putting a lot of thought into this is a really good thing!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m not anywhere near in a place to have kids since I’m not married or in a relationship, but I consider myself childfree. I have never had that desire to have kids, and I’ve always found that working or volunteering with kids is enough “kid time” for me. Plus, I have a nice, and will have more nieces and nephews in the future. I haven’t felt like I “lack” anything.

    With having kids, I think that we should 100% know that we want to have kids before making it happen. Like someone else said above, and it reminds me of a Sex and the City quote:

    “I wanted to be a writer, I made myself a writer. If I want a ridiculously extravagant pair of shoes, I find a way to buy them. If I wanted a baby, wouldn’t I have tried to have one by now?”

    That quote really resonated with me. If we’re not having babies, does that mean we really want them?

    I think the right decision will come to you either way. You’ll just know that you want, or don’t want, to have kids. It’s okay to be unsure right now. It’s all about timing. Good luck! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think I will ever be 100% sure either way. That’s what I would like, for sure, but I’m beginning to think it’s not possible. I love that quote, and that is something that I have considered as well. I’m 34… If I wanted it that bad, or it was meant to be, maybe it would have already happened.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I am happily childfree by choice, and I have no regrets. I wrote a blog post about this not long ago entitled Why I Left My Mom Genes in the Fitting Room. I talked about knowing that motherhood was not for me, while honoring those who are mommies. I use the term childfree for myself, because to me saying that I am childless implies that I am somehow lacking. I can see, though, where childfree might be a bit off putting to people with children as it could imply they are somehow trapped. You and your husband will know what is right for you, and you will know when the timing is right.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I did read that post, I remember it well. Everything that you said resonates with me. I think that childfree is the positive term, for sure. I hope that you’re right and I will know.

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      • the person (Mag) touched on a subject of ( * G O D ) & perhaps ? this can be…a subject to now think….about (more) in *BOTH you & your husbands life…. & now to also bring-up to why…even a Cross dresser would even be talking about GOD / JESUS lol who ? would ever-think ? that because what I…..well ? lets just say: want to do….or want to try…I haven’t really gone to far,,, in my so called C-dressing…compared to other cross dressers & to have the same- per-say: Idea’s as (other) C-dressers because I have found myself S0000 very different compared to a lot of c-dressers & this I have been finding out the more I been doing research onto…why-? & how come… why in my life I wanted to even want to do-this ? so for me….I have & still am doing what’s might be called: Soul-searching & this I have noticed I’ve done *most in my life & a answer I finely get….always comes back to…….. ( G O D ) &…. when saying or talking about this subject…..its (more) to me in my life to…..just me writing it to u now….or whenever I find myself talking to others about this subject besides now talking to (you) Jillian.. in saying- or- talking about GOD, it is more to me….in the sense…of having also a Relationship….with GOD,,, in doing that…..it becomes a closer & more Understanding,,,, which then brings…..GOD & me….into the better kind of a relationship…lol… any 1 can get a bible or….in the case of some people already having 1 hidden somewhere in a closet with 2 inches of dust on it lol & pick it up & try to read it & find-out….& scratching there head & thinking / saying to them selves ????? I don’t even understand what this or…that means ??? lol…& wanting to put the bible back in the closet for the next 3, years & never pick it up again to read….. by the way to…you or perhaps other readers of Jillian’s Blog: if-? you happen to be in a place in your life & maybe? are soul-searching & have heard about GOD / JESUS & want to go further in finding out MORE….in that direction you can….what I would say…from what I learned is there are now bibles written in (todays) language that makes it easy to understand better….& of course when we understand that can bring us closer to GOD & a new start of a Relationship sorry 😦 Jillian for my rambling on so much…..lol so…hang in there…& talk to GOD &….u can ask for advise from HIM its as easy as that….that in it self by doing it that way….is also….a beginning of a relationship right ?? just like how U & I are doing now…we don’t really no each other that well,,, but the more we share in our blog…we learn…we are…having a relationship…..per-say,,, lol peace,, stay well, Jillian,,,

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I don’t think being a cross dresser and having a relationship with God need to be mutually exclusive for any reason! πŸ™‚ I say, do what feels right to you!

        In saying that, I do think you’re right about the bible and the version making a huge difference. I grew up reading just King James, but modern language makes it feel so much more applicable- not that I’ve read it in forever, but perhaps I should revisit that idea.

        Anyway, it’s true that there are a lot of ways to find answers to questions, and God’s will, destiny, etc is a lot of it. My answer could lie within trying to stop controlling everything!

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      • The easiest bible to read is the children’s bible as it cuts out all the poetry and fluff and gets straight to the word- pun intended…lol. The International Children’s Bible http://www.amazon.com/International-Childrens-Bible-Thomas-Nelson/dp/0849932866/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1425449783&sr=8-7&keywords=holy+bible+international+childrens+bible. A good guide is What Does The Bible Say About… The Ultimate A To Z Resource http://www.amazon.com/What-Bible-About-Ultimate-Resource/dp/0785242708/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1425449910&sr=8-1&keywords=what+does+the+bible+say+about+the+ultimate+a-z

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      • Thanks!

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  9. You raise a million and one good questions. In the end it would be up to God, you and your husband to decide the final outcome of your family! Having a little human can be a joy and a burden- the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. Therefore, you may wish to embrace the nieces and nephews, your husband, friends, and dogs. Imagine the joy of being the cool sister and aunt who can pick up the cost of ballet, art, or after school programs; the chaperon on a field trip, the one to babysit while giving your sibling/friends time for a weekend getaway, or the voice of solace for a teenage human who needs some sound advice. Your own little human will never come to you- at least not right away. Did you talk to your parents about sex, getting a tattoo, or call them after a night of too much fun? But baby A may come to Aunt Jill (you don’t have to be blood related to be family, hell this is 2015). You are truly at a cross roads where you can have the best of both worlds. May God’s grace help you come to the best decision …

    Liked by 2 people

  10. This seems like a completely natural feeling to me.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting children as long as you are ready and it seems like you are.

    Children are beautiful, but having your own must be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

    I can’t wait till I am a proud dad as well!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Great post! I can totally relate. I’m not yet married, and the discussion about kids has come up with us many times. I was never one of the baby-crazy people, so the option of not having kids has always possible. But that being said, I’m not going to say I won’t have kids… I’m just not sure yet. Thus far I have been concentrating on myself and my career.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s the worst part- when you change your mind. That’s what I’m totally struggling with, I’ve definitely never been baby crazy at all and then something flipped in my brain.

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  12. Evening Jillian πŸ™‚ I have to say that I am not experiencing your struggle, and for that I am grateful. I will be 37 soon, and I have never wanted children. I have always been open to the possibility but it has simply never clicked for me.

    However, I have given it a lot of thought and discussed the matter at length with friends, and there is one thing I can say to you that is absolutely true;

    There are a million and one reasons not to have a child, which are all equally valid. There is only ONE reason to really have a child – you WANT one. And if you want one, that will override the million and one reasons not to.

    If you are certain that you want a baby of your own, the regret of placing reason in front of that desire could pull the rest of your life apart. Try not to logic your way through this, because logic doesn’t work. If you want a child and your husband wants a child, fuck it – just do it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s funny, isn’t it, how logic is overridden by instinct in so many of the most important decisions we will ever make? It seems true, too. When I try to describe why I want a child to my husband, it comes out like a toddler “I don’t know, I just do!”. I feel inadequate for not having a better answer, and that’s where the logic comes in.

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  13. I have no experience in parenting, I am still a student but i have heard that every woman is born with a chip in their head that tells them how to be a mother and thats how everything started. I applaud your decision for thinking it out, I do not support abortions .Hope you strike the right cord and makes a decision that suits you.

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  14. Aww that’s my beautiful baby boy! ❀ I actually did sleep whenever he slept, which was a lot. He slept 12+hours per night and took three naps. The first five weeks he woke up a lot at night and it was hard to get him back to bed but I found out later it was because he was in our room and hearing every noise. The night we moved him to his own room he slept 8 hours and it just got better from there. The sleep deprivation came when there wee two, which I know you aren't having. So really you're worrying a bit too much about this.

    I have many mommy friends who take their whole family on vacation, including airline travel. It scares the heck out of me so we haven't done it but it is possible! =) actually we did drive Alexander down to LA twice and that was way less bad than anticipated. The only problem was when the sun was in his eyes and we didn't have the proper shade.

    As for organic baby food, omg this is the easiest thing in the world! All you do is steam some veggies and or fruits and blend them with water! Way cheaper and way better for them than that baby food crap. I'm lazy and even I did it! =)

    Anyway bottom line is that you need to do what's right for you. If you feel the urge I call this evolution and there is no way necessarily to explain your body and minds drive to want to reproduce. Also a baby will love you unconditionally as do your dogs, unlike a husband from time to time.

    Hope this makes you feel a little less scared. Please, you're amazing! I know you and that you can put your mind to anything you'd like and make it happen.

    Would you like to borrow his cuteness from time to time? =)

    Liked by 1 person

  15. It’s not that you wouldn’t sleep for the rest of your life. Just for five years or so. πŸ˜‰ I didn’t sleep for more than two hours in a row for the first 18 months of my older child’s life. But I’d do it again, no question, even with the sleep torture. But I also don’t think everyone needs to have a child. You’ll find your answer.

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  16. Not all people have doubts about parenting when they have children. I had no doubts while pregnant and knew when I first held my first-born that I would kill with my teeth to protect her. My babies slept through the night (6 hours) from birth then nursed and went back to sleep for 4 more hours so I had it easy. I don’t think that waiting until now means you don’t really want children but ,rather, that you are a cautious person. You have a lot of strength and wisdom you don’t give yourself credit for. Children enliven your soul in ways you can’t imagine and help you understand that you can do whatever needs to be done when it is necessary. You don’t have to know everything to start just have love to give and be interested in their success.

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